One year ago, at this very moment...

I was laying in a hospital bed, scared and alone, fearing the worst. With tubes in me and machines beeping all around me, I received three units of blood from three wonderful strangers. Stricken with an illness that could have very well taken my life.

Today, I'm not.

I'm in remission. No prednisone pills. No erythropoietin shots. No tubes. No beeping. No tears.

And I'm so, SO grateful.

Having a Life-Threatening Illness has made Me Realize Stuff

It's been 9 months since I was first admitted to the hospital for my illness. 9 long months.

9 long months filled with hospitalizations, loss of consciousness, doctor appointments, injections, transfusions, pills, MRIs, bloodwork, and a bone marrow biopsy.

Despite all that drama, I've realized so much this year.

1. I am very, very loved. I didn't even realize how much others loved, cared for, and appreciated me. My family, friends, community, and medical team. The outpouring of love has been so surreal. It has felt like I've been wrapped up in a big fluffy blanket of love (figuratively, and also literally thanks to my sweet friend, Sarah who knitted me the coziest blanket!)

2. Attitude is (almost!) everything. Keeping a positive attitude through the ups and downs of treatment and whatnot is NOT easy. However, it is essential to your mental health. Thinking thoughts like, "This is NOT the end of me!", "This is temporary!" and "I'm stronger than this and WILL beat it!" keep me from letting my mind wander into a whole of despair.

3. I am not dealing with this alone. Sometimes illness can be very lonely because it seems like everyone else's life is just moving along while yours is stuck in this horrible black hole where everything is in slow motion and you're always waiting for your next doctor appointment. But, I've learned that I'm not alone. There are people feeling the fear with me. Worried for me. Crying with me. Praying for me. Cooking dinner for me. Sending me brownies. Sending me texts, emails, flowers, blankets, and get well cards. They stand with me against the fear, hopelessness, sadness, and worry. But they also stand with me in the triumphs, joys, good news, and progress.

These past 9 months have made me a better, more grateful, person. Grateful for life, family, friends, faith, and hope.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them all :)

Tiny = Me?

I have a pretty good relationship with my parents.

They still call me baby, precious, and sweetheart, and we always say "I love you" before saying goodbye on the phone or in person.

Despite having the good relationship, it's still hard for me to "get" that I am to them what Tiny is to me.

The other day, we were hanging out in their living room. Tiny was playing on the floor with some blocks and I was lovingly watching him with a smile on my face.

"You kinda love him, huh?" my dad asked playfully.

"Yeah, kinda" I replied with a wink.

"You know," I continued, "sometimes I feel like I love him more than anyone has ever loved anyone else. I just love him so much. You know what I mean?"

My mom and dad looked at each other and laughed.

"And you've only known him less that two years! Just wait until it's been almost 28 years," He said to me as he smiled and leaned over to hug me.

"You'll love him even more."

He kissed me on the head and we continued to watch sweet little Tiny playing with his blocks.

Moon Face! Buffalo Hump!

No, they're not "goons" from some 1950's mobster movie. They're side effects of one of the meds (Prednisone) I'm taking for my health drama.

And? They suck.

In March, I started on 80 mg/day of this devil drug. Before I knew it, I was transformed into this crazy looking beast that I was sad to look at every day in the mirror. Seriously.

I wish this were the moon face I'm talking about.



Not only do I have moon face and buffalo hump, I have a metric butt load of other side effects: nervousness-for-no-reason, weight gain, water retention, the shakes, super fast heartbeat, confusion, hot flashes, insomnia, mood swings so bad they'd give you whiplash, and other ugly ones I don't even want to mention.

I'm usually a pretty confident person, but recently, whenever I see someone whom I haven't seen for a while, I feel the need to excuse my appearance and mention why my hands are so shaky and why I seem so nervous. They probably don't even notice my jitters, but it's SO OBVIOUS to me that I feel the need to explain. I've become so self-conscious about these things and it sucks.

Some days are better than others. And while I HATE how the Prednisone makes me look and feel, it's helping me fight the fight, and for that I'm VERY grateful. I tell myself EVERY SINGLE DAY that if it's working, it's worth it. And that's the truth.

The good news is that my Onco has tapered me down to 40 mg/day already and is hoping to have me off of it completely by the fall. Also, these side-effects are only temporary.

I WILL go back to the "old" me and recognize myself in the mirror again. (And I WILL be able to go an hour without asking "is it super hot in here or is it just me?!" as I frantically fan myself.)

There is a light at the end of this crazy tunnel. And the light is so bright, I'm gonna need me some shades :)

To my Son, on Mothers Day

In the words of "Uncle Jesse":

"If every word I said could make you laugh, I'd talk forever...
If the song I sing to you could fill your life with joy, I'd sing forever"

Forever is a long time, but I'm certain that I'll love you that long, if not longer.

You are the most amazing little boy I've known. You're smart, funny, charming, loving, affectionate, and so much more than I could ever dream for you to be.

Your giggles and your smile warm my heart to its core. Your sloppy kisses make me feel like a million bucks. Your squeezey hugs make me feel like all is right with the world. Your voice is like a sweet song. It's a number one hit to me.

I love you more than words could ever say. You've already taught me so much. You amaze me every day with how you're learning and growing. You've given me such high hopes for the future; yours and mine.

I am so, SO proud to be your Momma. I love you with every fiber of my being.

You hold my heart in your chubby, dimpled hands :)